bffff #

it’s not that i don’t value you—
it’s never been that.
i value you more than the ties of blood,
more than anyone i’ve called family.
but jealousy? no, that’s not it.
even when you drift to others,
i trust that you’ll come back.

and you do.
sooner or later,
you do, don’t you?
but still, every time you leave mid-conversation,
a dull ache creeps in,
a cold that starts somewhere deep in my chest,
then stretches out, slow and steady,
until it touches every corner of me.

i tell myself i don’t matter as much to you
as you do to me—
how could i?
but i distract myself,
force my mind onto something else,
bury the thought before it digs too deep.

it’s your life, after all.
who the hell am i to demand anything?
but then you come back,
and the cold evaporates like it was never there.
except it always leaves a scar,
a little whisper in the back of my mind
reminding me that one day,
you’ll leave for good.

maybe the fire between us will burn out.
maybe the warmth i cling to will fade to ash.
it will, won’t it?
everything does, eventually.
but selfishly,
i don’t want you to forget me.
so i carve myself into you,
or maybe into the space between us—
marking memories, laughter,
all the nonsense we’ve shared.

i want to linger in your thoughts,
even if it’s just a little.
that’s creepy, isn’t it?
but it’s not like you’ll ever see this.
these words are meant to die with me,
a secret burial under layers of “it’s fine.”

you said i must dislike some things about you,
but honestly,
i don’t.
sure, everyone has their flaws,
little cracks here and there,
but they’re just pieces of the whole.
the only thing i can’t stand
is when you leave.

it’s not even about the leaving, really—
it’s the chill.
that goddamn freezing wave
that rolls over me when the silence sets in.
and worse,
the way it fades after a while,
like it never mattered.

but no, there’s nothing else about you
that i could dislike.
i take you as you are,
messy bits and all,
because no one random
could ever be crowned
as a bffff, could they?