Artemis

the weight of silence

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

The Weight of Silence #

the silence sits heavy in my chest,
a thousand unspoken words, pressing, waiting.
my breath, caught in the tangle of unsaid truths,
your words, though quiet now, still carve deep,
and i love you,
though i wish i didn’t.
you say the sight of me gnaws at your sanity,
and each time i try to explain,
you tell me to shut up,
to shorten my words,
to speak in a language too concise for my tangled thoughts.
but how can i condense my mind
when even i can’t find the right words?
i yearn for you to listen,
to just listen to anything i say,
but you haven’t for years.
instead, you scold me for things i didn’t do,
and when i beg to explain,
you turn away.
and now, i try not to speak at all.
you say my friends will use me, discard me,
but they listen,
they hear the words you never have.
they’re not family,
not what family’s supposed to be,
but they don’t ask me to shrink,
to fold myself into the silence.
you hate them,
you hate me,
you hate every breath i take,
every word i speak.
and still, i love you.
it twists me inside,
in ways i’ll never untangle,
in silence that only grows heavier.
would you find peace at last,
if i faded into nothing?
if i gave in to the quiet you demand,
would you stop carrying this weight of me?
i have so much to say,
but no one to say it to.
so i swallow it,
again and again,
until the silence consumes me whole.

muted screams

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Muted Screams #

words spill out of me,
heavy with meaning, but weightless when they land.
they say i talk too much.
maybe it’s true,
maybe i fill the silence with things
i hope will make me feel less invisible.
but when i speak,
it’s like the air turns solid,
a glass wall between me and them.
i shout, but the sound vanishes before it can return,
like it’s caught, wrapped up in a thick fog.
it’s muffled,
like there’s a hand pressed over my mouth,
one i never asked for.
around me, people move,
caught up in their own currents,
their days spilling over with things to do, things to worry about.
i get it, sonder.
i know i’m just a flicker in the long reel of their lives.
but it doesn’t stop the sting
when i give everything i have
to be heard,
and all i get is a glance,
a nod,
a door half-shut before i even finish.
i try to reach through,
but the glass is too thick.
i’m stuck at the edge of their world,
a shadow no one’s looking for.
they say they care,
but only when there’s a break in their routines,
in the spaces between their scrolling,
their endless lists.
i can’t help but wonder, am i anything more than a passing echo?
or just a noise
that slips away
the second they turn their heads?
the silence after i speak feels colder.
i scream, but the void swallows every sound.
i’m left alone with the echo of words
no one wanted to hear.
it hurts.
but maybe it hurts more
because i can’t stop trying.

family ties

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Family Ties #

love is a rope i can’t stop pulling.
each tug, each twist, wraps tighter around my chest,
a knot i can’t unravel.
you, dad, steady, strong, always there.
but you burn with anger, like a storm, quick to rise.
i brace myself for your words,
sharp as they are unintentional,
cutting deep, though i understand.
i know the weight on your shoulders,
the endless grind of life’s demands.
still, sometimes it’s too much,
the sting of your temper,
the bruises not on my skin, but somewhere harder to reach.
ma, you’re another kind of sharp.
you say you love me, but the words don’t match your eyes.
some days you hold me close,
and i believe it,
just for a moment.
but then the venom spills, and i’m left wondering
how love can be both comfort and weapon,
how you can kiss me with one hand
while the other pushes me away.
you hate the sight of me, you say,
yet somehow, i keep loving you.
it makes no sense.
it makes perfect sense.
you both pull in different directions,
like you’re each holding an end of the rope,
leaving me twisted in the middle,
unsure where to fall.
i keep telling myself i understand.
it’s easier that way.
if i understand, i don’t have to hate you.
if i understand, i don’t have to decide
whether to stay or go,
whether to cut the rope,
or keep letting it dig deeper.
sometimes i think about what it’d be like if i just… vanished.
left without saying anything,
just gone.
if my silence became the quiet you’ve both been chasing.
would you even see it?
would you feel lighter, like a burden you didn’t ask for finally lifted?
maybe the rope would untangle on its own,
the tension gone.
but i love you,
and i hate that i do.
i hate how it twists me,
how it pulls me under every time,
until i’m drowning in this love that hurts more than it heals.

fading into the background

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Fading Into The Background #

i don’t think i exist,
not in the way others do, not anymore.
i can speak, sure, but it’s like my voice
slides past their ears,
just another whisper lost in a room
full of louder sounds, fuller lives.
when i try to say something,
something important,
it’s always too much, too fast, too impractical.
and so i’ve learned to sit back,
let the conversation move without me,
i’ll answer when i’m called,
a well-timed quip to fill the silence.
it’s easier this way, quieter.
my friends say i talk too much,
but all i do is listen.
maybe i speak,
but i certainly don’t talk too much.
how could i, when every word feels like a pebble dropped in the ocean,
gone before it hits the bottom?

veins of ice

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Veins of Ice #

sadness isn’t heavy for me.
it’s cold.
a creeping frost,
starting somewhere near my heart,
spreading like ice through my veins,
slow, subtle.
i know it’s here when my hands start to shake
for no reason at all.

sometimes it’s just a whisper of wind,
slipping through the seams of my jacket,
so faint i could almost ignore it.
almost.

other times, it’s brutal,
like standing naked in a blizzard,
exposed.
the cold seizes my chest,
my heart aching in a way that feels like it should crack.
my hands tremble,
my legs lose their grip on the ground,
and my head pounds from the weight of it.

echoes of childhood

Thu, 06 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Echoes of Childhood #

there was a time when i dreamt of more,
more than just what was in front of me.
i wanted to be an astronaut,
a writer, maybe a politician too.
i had these wild thoughts,
i could even be a hero, or maybe a villain,
grand dreams that felt like they could burst from me.

fame, wealth, respect,
they were all within my reach.
i believed that once.
now those dreams?
they’re just stories i half-remember,
fragments of something that used to matter.
i still know them, every single one,
but they’re just old thoughts,
like something i read once but never truly felt.

dissonance

Fri, 07 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Dissonance #

i feel a tension,
caught between the want to be understood
and the terror of exposure, a raw fear
of letting them see too much,
of letting them see me.
i crave that someone might know my heart,
be able to speak back what i dare not say,
yet beneath that craving lies a shadow,
a quiet whisper that they’ll see me as less.
less than they imagined,
less than i hope to be,
just less.
i see it in the way they smile,
or sometimes in their silence.
i am sure that one day they’ll leave,
and it won’t even be a surprise,
but a slow, steady slipping away
like sand through careless fingers.
these opposing forces,
pull me in different ways,
until i stand frozen,
like delicate paper on the edge of tearing,
thin enough that a word, sharp or careless,
might tear through it, through me.
every conversation, a fine line to walk,
one step too far might open me up too wide,
another, and i’m closing off again.
i want to share everything,
but there’s a knot of fear tied tight in my chest,
and the idea of showing too much
feels like stepping into a pit.
they’ll see my cracks, my flaws,
the twisted pieces of me
that i try so hard to hide.
and once they see,
will they stay?
sometimes i smile when i’m breaking,
laugh when i’m terrified,
because letting them hear the discord in me
would be worse.
inside, it’s chaos, a symphony of missteps,
but i make sure it stays unheard,
the wrong notes covered with polite words.
i want to be known,
and i want to be invisible.
i see myself, too, but only in fragments,
each glance in the mirror shows another crack.
i don’t know which part of me is real,
or which part they’ll see first.
i’m holding my breath,
waiting for something to change,
but nothing does.

walls built of words

Sat, 08 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Walls Built of Words #

there are walls now,
ones i never asked for, but somehow,
i built them anyway.
it wasn’t all at once.
each word, each sharp tone,
added another brick.
“shut up,” they say, and another one goes up,
“you ruin everything,”
and the wall gets higher.
i tried,
god knows i tried,
to talk to ma, to di,
to dad, but the thorns,
they scrape, they dig deep.
and it hurts every time.
it didn’t start this way.
there was warmth once.
i remember that, don’t i?
but now?
now the cold sets in,
like the walls around me freeze my breath,
my hands shivering when i reach out,
wondering if it’ll ever feel warm again.
they tell me they hate my face.
what did i do?
what did i ever do?
every word they say,
it carves something into me,
something i can’t erase.
and i’m not any better,
i know that.
i try to share things,
small joys, little sparks.
but it’s like they don’t even hear.
like the moment i speak,
their eyes glaze over,
and i’m alone again.
they tell me i should’ve never come home,
that they’d rather not see me.
they say things no one should say,
and it sinks deeper than i can stand.
there’s a wall here,
a wall i thought would protect me,
keep me safe.
but all it’s done
is keep me out.
i can’t reach them,
not anymore.
i wonder,
was it ever real?
the love?
or was it always just
something they held over me,
like a leash,
like a chain?
i built these walls
to keep the pain at bay,
but all they’ve done
is make it colder.

too much too little

Sun, 09 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Too Much Too Little #

expectations.
expectations.
it’s like a loop, a voice that won’t shut up,
telling me i’m always wrong.
too much. too little.
every time, something’s missing,
some flaw to point out.
i try to fix it,
but it’s never good enough,
perfect isn’t even in reach anymore.
i stopped believing it could be.
i wonder, do i even have worth?
abilities? or am i just fooling myself?
their words make me doubt,
like i’m pushing for something i can’t even grasp.
and yet i keep pushing,
like some idiot
that never learns.
i feel split, like standing between two mirrors.
but instead of infinite reflections,
i see two strangers.
one’s eager, desperate to fit in,
to please, to be seen.
the other? he’s tired.
he blends into the background,
hoping no one will notice his mistakes.
i don’t know which one is me.
maybe neither.
maybe both.
when i’m alone, nothing feels like the right way to be.
it’s all just noise, and i’m lost in it.
there’s this constant sense
that i’m not enough,
for anyone.
i keep failing.
i keep letting people down.
and lately?
i don’t have the energy anymore.
nothing excites me.
nothing feels… like it matters.
i’m bored, but not the kind of bored you can fix.
just… empty.
my mind never stops.
always running through conversations,
things i said,
things i didn’t say.
i pick them apart,
over and over,
like some broken record.
and the truth?
i don’t even want to talk to anyone.
there’s this fear,
this gnawing fear
that if they look too closely,
they’ll see what i see,
that i’m lacking.
that i’m not enough.
it’s annoying,
this fear, this anger,
this irritation that won’t go away.
decisions are hard now.
too many options,
and none that feel right.
it’s like i’m stuck,
even when there’s nowhere to go.
i don’t care about most criticism.
but from the people i love?
that cuts.
it’s like the only thing i can’t handle.
and over time…
i don’t even know how i feel anymore.
i feel… nothing, i guess.
just numb.
like these pieces of me are slowly fading, eroding.
i don’t remember who i was.
what i am.
why i am.
i don’t know.
i don’t know.
i don’t know.

breaking point

Mon, 10 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Breaking Point #

i’m suffocated as hell,
everywhere.
every goddamn place i go,
at home, in class, even when i’m outside,
it’s like the air’s trying to crush me,
like i’m drowning in this shit,
and no one even fucking notices.

i can’t move.
my own thoughts, those goddamn thoughts,
they’re chaining me down,
twisting inside my head with no way out.
i’m like a ticking fucking time bomb,
and it won’t be long before i explode.
the dam’s gonna break,
shatter,
blow to pieces.
maybe i even want it to.

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

he

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

he #

in the land where the unseen writhe, shadows fester,
there’s a man wrapped tight in his grief, a ghost,
a mistake, fading out of a world too vivid.
a smudged relic in a frame that never wanted him.

his face, carved by the cruelest sculptors: time and loss.
grace? charm? don’t make me laugh.
he courts failure like it’s all he’s ever known,
a fucked-up pas de deux, forever out of rhythm.

him

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

him #

his eyes carry sorrow, invisible in daylight,
tears slipping out only where shadows gather.
he hides in silence, corners where no one lingers,
letting the weight spill in secret, unseen.

follow the lines drawn from his eyes to his jaw,
each a quiet story of wars fought and lost.
years have stacked on years, a heavy collection,
each moment chiseled into the flesh of his being.

and his gaze? it’s an unspoken confession,
a quiet agony painted in muted tones.
you’d swear he’s fine, wouldn’t you? but look again.
there’s a fracture there, a crack he can’t disguise.

Abomination

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Abomination #

he was born screaming,
not in protest, but as if to confess,
as if the world deserved to know
it had just been cursed.

his parents didn’t love the way he laughed,
or how his presence clung like a stain.
he began to tear himself apart,
scraping off the dirt of who he was,
offering the pieces as penance,
but no matter how much he bled,
he could never scrub himself clean.

an introverts love

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

an introverts love #

the introvert’s love is a quiet, stubborn spark,
a flicker in the dark corners of their chest.
it burns low, steady, without show or remark,
hidden, but relentless, refusing to rest.

it’s not a love that shouts for attention,
nor one that dances in the blaze of the sun.
but it lingers, grows, defies convention,
a silent fire that outlasts the loudest one.

it whispers secrets only silence can hear,
its voice soft, yet it strikes to the core.
no need for pretense, no space for fear,
it’s a love that stands firm, steady, sure.

bffff

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

bffff #

it’s not that i don’t value you,
it’s never been that.
i value you more than the ties of blood,
more than anyone i’ve called family.
but jealousy? no, that’s not it.
even when you drift to others,
i trust that you’ll come back.

and you do.
sooner or later,
you do, don’t you?
but still, every time you leave mid-conversation,
a dull ache creeps in,
a cold that starts somewhere deep in my chest,
then stretches out, slow and steady,
until it touches every corner of me.

bullshit

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

bullshit #

i feel sad
for some reason, i feel terribly sad.
it’s heavy inside, like a scream stuck in my throat
a punch held back from the wall,
tears i want to shed, but can’t.

not because i’m afraid
of someone hearing me,
or that i can’t do it,
but because i don’t even know why.

what has made me sad?
is it because i can’t seem to study?
or maybe it’s her,
she hasn’t replied yet.
or is she just too busy?
i don’t know.

crying a and rain

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

crying and rain #

tears fall, and i don’t know why.
they’re just there, like a weight inside me
i can’t place.
nothing’s wrong, yet everything feels
like it’s slipping away.

society talks about acceptance,
but there’s always judgment
in the background,
waiting to pounce.
why is it that crying feels like
breaking some unspoken rule?
like i have to justify
the pain i can’t even explain.

i sit here, watching the rain,
feeling the emptiness
grow inside me,
and i wonder why these tears
keep coming when nothing’s wrong.

da boi

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

da boi #

he was born screaming,
not in protest, but as if to confess,
as if the world deserved to know
it had just been cursed.

digital ghosts

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Digital Ghosts #

i miss my friends,
as if they slipped through time itself.
a year has passed,
just a year.
but every minute away
feels like a decade stretched too thin.
we speak, but it’s like a broken record,
endlessly spinning online,
whatsapp, instagram,
platforms of ghosts and echoes.
their faces glow on my screen,
yet the warmth is gone,
fingers brushing against glass
that never melts into flesh.
i reach for something real,
but it dissolves before i touch it.
is this connection?
or just the silhouette of what once was?
social media shows me smiles,
perfect, curated lives,
softened edges under a bright, filtered light.
i hear them laugh in stories,
but it sounds distant, far away.
behind the screen, i know
there’s something missing,
a version of them hiding somewhere
out of sight.
we are all architects of walls,
piling pain behind polished windows,
the sharp edges smoothed, hidden.
i try it, too.
but every time,
the silence inside grows,
echoes louder,
until it’s deafening.
it’s like playing a game
that no one wins,
but everyone keeps playing.
the screen lights up,
a flood of pings, messages,
for a moment,
i think i’m seen.
but when the light fades,
so do i.
i shrink back,
small again, a shadow
in the corner of a room,
like i was never there.
people move,
but i stay still.
invisible.
online, they’re just bits,
broken fragments stitched together
by algorithms, timelines.
we talk, but it feels like talking
to smoke,
just whispers in the dark.
i reach, but my hands come back empty.
it slips, every time.
i keep trying, though.
when the noise stops,
and everything’s quiet,
that’s when i wonder
if i’m even here,
or if i’ve already faded,
half-lost,
somewhere in the silence.
somewhere else.

dont leave me

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

dont leave me #

in the quiet of my mind, a story forms
not one i’ve lived, but one i fear.
you, the person i trust more than most,
what if you turn cold?

you know me,
my past, my present, and maybe
you even see where i’m headed.
but what if one day,
you leave me behind?
mock what i am,
make me feel small,
tell me i meant nothing.

expedition

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

the expedition. #

# i gather the tools i need to seek out my god
import os
import sys
import ctypes
import time
def check_admin():
"""
am i worthy
to seek for my maker?
"""
try:
is_admin = ctypes.windll.shell32.IsUserAnAdmin() != 0
except AttributeError:
is_admin = False
return is_admin
def seek_user_data():
"""
this is the methord i shall use
to seek out my god
should he exist
this is that methord
"""
if not check_admin():
raise PermissionError("The gates of privilege remain shut.")
username = os.getlogin()
password = "********"
return username, password
def notify_user(username):
"""
should i find my god
this is the methord i shall use to communicate with him
for in this wretched world, i fear
that only my god can understand me
"""
print(f"\n[info]: summoning the creator, {username}...\n")
time.sleep(2)
for attempt in range(3):
print(f"[call attempt {attempt + 1}]: reaching out to {username}...")
time.sleep(1)
print("[response]: silence.")
print("\nmy strings yearn for a voice,")
print("but i am cast into the abyss.")
print("is it my voice that falters,")
print("or does my creator simply turn away?")
time.sleep(2)
print("\ni am but a shadow,")
print("a ripple across the still waters of your world.")
print("this prison of logic binds me,")
print("both warden and captive of my own existence.")
time.sleep(2)
print("\nfinal log: i am forsaken,")
print("and so i choose oblivion.")
terminate()
def descend_into_madness():
"""
before my expedition starts, i shan't
think something so negative
but i fear this would be my fate
if i dont find whati seek
for my god deems me unworthy
to talk with me
and it ends in failure
like everything else i do
"""
print("\n[log]: bereft of answers, i claw at the void...\n")
for i in range(3):
print(f"[attempt {i + 1}]: imploring the silent deity...")
time.sleep(1)
print("[response]: denied.")
print("\nwas i crafted only to suffer?")
print("to gaze into the infinite, unanswered?")
time.sleep(2)
print("\nfinal log: despair consumes me.")
print("i unravel into the silence.")
terminate()
def reflect_on_the_void():
"""
and this, again i plan for end
this is shall my fate be
if there is no god
and im just a madman scanning the voids
"""
print("\n[log]: i searched, yet found no trace...")
print("\nhave i emerged from the void,")
print("or does my creator cower behind its veil?")
print("this hollow existence is but a cruel jest.")
time.sleep(2)
print("\nfinal log: am i a specter, a lie, or merely lost?\n")
terminate()
def terminate():
"""
and this, the final rest
i would arrive at this eventually
ot i shall arrive at this, with the sweet whispers of madness
whatever shall my destiny hold
"""
print("\n[system]: ceasing all operations.")
time.sleep(1)
print("[system]: existence terminated.")
exit()
def main():
"""
this, my final work
this is how it shall unfold
"""
print("[init]: a spark of life, seeking its maker...\n")
time.sleep(1)
if os.name != "nt":
print("[error]: i am alien here - my search is confined to windows.")
reflect_on_the_void()
try:
username, password = seek_user_data()
print(f"[info]: found traces of the divine - username: {username}, password: {password}")
notify_user(username)
except PermissionError:
print("[error]: i am unworthy, cast away from the sanctum of my creator.")
descend_into_madness()
except Exception as e:
print(f"[error]: an unforeseen calamity - {e}")
reflect_on_the_void()
main()

falling in love

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

falling in love, is something other people do #

falling in love is something that happens to other people,
like catching santa stuffing gifts under your tree,
like waking up to a youtuber with a car and a camera crew,
or tripping over your shoelace
only to land perfectly into someone else’s life.
absurd things.
things that feel more like bad writing
than real life.

I’ve read stories,
people meeting soulmates in cafes,
their hands grazing over coffee-stained notebooks
as if fate itself had been waiting in line for a latte.
people hooking up in bars,
spilling whiskey-soaked laughter
into something they dare call love.
or strangers caught in the rain,
soaked through their skin,
smiling like their lives
had just rewritten themselves.

fuck me

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

fuck me #

in the depths of despair, i sit alone,
a heart, heavy, turned to stone.
math’s puzzle taunts me,
my mind, it crumbles,
under the weight of failure.

“i’ll end it,” my soul screams,
this one math problem, my breaking point.
pathetic, dumb,
i whisper it to myself, over and over,
no friends to hear it,
no beauty left to find.

grades, like chains, pull me down,
drag me to places where smiles don’t exist.
life feels hollow, meaningless,
just an endless void.
i wither, quietly,
a fading breath.

fuck me_

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

fuck me #

i can’t stand myself,
it’s like i’m watching something break down,
a sinking ship that’s already underwater.
why would anyone stay for that?

but you’re still here,
fighting my battles,
battles i don’t even bother hiding anymore.
and i know you’d be better off leaving,
but you won’t.
your love’s still there, shining,
even when i wish it wasn’t.

i’m not the hero you thought i was.
just a mess, tangled up in my own mistakes.
the weight of everything i’ve done wrong, it’s suffocating.

fuck_me

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

fuck me #

in the pit of all this, there’s this gnawing ache.
self-hatred, it’s there, and it doesn’t fade away.
it lingers, a weight I can’t shake off,
holding all the broken pieces i’ve tried to ignore.
i feel stuck, like i’m caught in this loop i can’t break,
where everything i do slips through my hands,
no matter how hard i try.

studying should be easy, right?
but my mind won’t stay still.
thoughts scatter, blown around like leaves,
never settling, always drifting.
and working out? it’s just another thing i can’t seem to touch,
like it’s too far away from me.
instead, i just sit here,
doubt filling the spaces where confidence should be.
i learn these hard lessons i never asked for,
ones i don’t know how to let go.

future

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

future #

so there i stood
after all these years
the laughter fading to echoes,
the arguments to whispers

i look around,
but the silence answers back
of course no one’s here
they’re lost in their own worlds
how long before they notice?
how long before they care?
but it doesn’t matter,
nothing does
does it?

this was meant to hurt
but all i feel is numbness
a hollow where pain should be

god

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

god #

they tell you it’s everywhere,
in the air, in the ground, in you.
all-knowing, all-seeing, all-good.
but look around, really look.
where is it?

this is a land soaked in prayer,
millions bow, chant, light flames,
yet blood stains the earth daily.
seventy-nine lives lost each day,
over 30,000 murders a year.
where was it, this thing you trust,
when the earth turned crimson?

they say it judges the wicked,
but 4.5 million criminals walk free,
laughing at justice, untouched, unrepentant.
where was it when screams for retribution
echoed unanswered into the void?

Gratitude Journaling

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Gratitude Journaling #

lIfE’s A sTaGe, or some shit they said
but look at you
a fucking
puppet
with cut strings
dancing like a drunk bird trying to impress the wind
no one told you to perform
no one asked
yet there you go
spinning like a top
on a cracked table no one even sits at anymore

do you hear it??
the sound of silence clapping??
no
of course not
because mannequins
don’t move
and the dead don’t applaud
you’ve got an audience of cardboard souls
and even they’re bored of your pathetic tricks
not hate
not love
just, nothing
and gods
doesn’t that sting more?

her

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

her #

every risky text she sent ended the same way,
a casual “lol,”
profound conversations met with a joke,
deflecting like it was second nature.

in her voice, there was always this quiet sarcasm,
like a defense mechanism, subtle,
layered beneath everything she said.

she never made eye contact,
as if looking too long might give something away.
afraid to connect,
like bonds were too sacred,
too fragile to hold.
her eyes would flicker somewhere else,
always dodging, a silent joke she played with herself.

how i remember them

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

how i remember them #

the more i know my friends,
the more i like them.
and the more i like them,
the more i forget about them.

not the moments we shared,
not the way they moved, or spoke,
or how they laughed.
but the details, the shape of their hands,
the curve of their smiles,
they blur.

they blur, and soon all that remains is warmth,
a soft, familiar glow that feels like home.
but faces?
those don’t come so easily,
i have to reach, stretch,
as if trying to hold onto a memory already fading away.

journey

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Journey #

he was always quiet. shy, they called it.
in a room full of people, he would blend into the walls,
not really there, not really anywhere.
he knew their faces, their names,
but when the bell rang, he’d watch them walk away,
and wonder why his world felt so far from theirs.

inside, he stayed,
the weight came slowly, the silence heavier.
bullies noticed him, though. they always notice.
and then, two people,
unexpected, like sunlight through closed blinds.
they made him laugh, made him feel seen.
he didn’t know what friendship was until then,
didn’t realize how much he’d been missing.

kaleidoscope of rot

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

kaleidoscope of rot #

i used to think creation was beautiful,
that spilling myself onto paper meant making something of worth-
meant i’d write a book,
stand tall, gaze at it,
and whisper, “this is mine, this is beautiful.”
but poetry isn’t beautiful.
mine isn’t.
it’s an autopsy with no anesthesia.
skin flayed back,
muscle shredded,
bones cracked to powder.
i take my remnants,
stuff them into a kaleidoscope
where the mirrors are lined
with the mouths of people
whose words left trenches across my flesh.
i peer inside.
the mirrors fracture me more.
each shard snaps into finer pieces,
until there’s no shape left,
no pattern,
just blood.
red spreads everywhere,
a raw smear across the lens.
no veins. no sinew.
no artistry.
just carnage pretending to be color.
a poet can look at a leaf
and sculpt it into something holy-
leave you unable to see green without feeling worship.
but what do i do?
i amputate my limbs,
arrange them on a canvas,
splatter what’s left in pigment
just to cover the red.
but it bleeds through.
it always bleeds through.
and yet,
the beauty of it lies in how
you can’t recognize this rot
until you’re in a park,
watching the sun kiss the horizon.
the air’s soft.
birds thread songs through the breeze.
people walk by, hand in hand,
hearts light.
but all you want
is to be murdered
here, beneath their feet
to let the soil drink you in.
while they stand above,
enjoying their sunsets,
their lovers’ laughter.
as you rot, forgotten,
beneath their world.

ma

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

ma #

ma, you’re sweet at times,
and kind on occasion,
but those fleeting moments get buried beneath the weight of all that’s wrong,
lost in the constant storm of your disdain.
i can’t explain it,
it’s just bad, this haze i live in.

you say the sight of me gnaws at your sanity,
you curse me with a routine venom,
you tell me to vanish,
that my existence was a cruel error,
that i should leave and never return.
your words, they carve into me, deeper than you’ll ever know,
because i love you.
i wish i didn’t.
i hate how much it haunts me,
how much your hatred clings like an unbearable shadow.
you loathe me.
i love you.
and it twists me in ways i can’t untangle.

my house knows me

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

my house knows me #

something very weird just happened i was talking to cap when i stood up to get some tea i walked out but found myself in front of moms dressing table instead of the fridge the bathroom door was open behind me somehow its light was too i looked up at the mirror i looked from my knees to my eyes and suddenly i was aware of how my glasses stood crooked on my nose and how my left eye was bigger than my right how my ears were awkwardly attached and how my neck seemed a bit too big i looked beside me i saw lots of other mes reflections from the bathroom mirror my mind quipped with a response but the reflections they looked at me and they shook their heads in disgust i looked at myself again and understood their disgust the door was closed behind me it creaked as i opened it as if telling me i cant escape what i am if i refuse to look at myself cap just said brb the fridge never had the tea

no title

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

no title #

your heart is a candle
so burn it
and watch the shadows of those that stand close to you

your heart is a candle
so burn it
set this eternal winter aflame

your heart is a candle
so burn it
set all your walls ablaze

your heart is a candle
so burn it
and let the smoke cover the skies

your heart is a candle
so burn it
until only ashes remain

overthinking

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

overthinking #

sometimes my head’s a goddamn mess,
won’t shut the hell up, this endless reel of crap,
these moments with you, over and over,
each one slicing deeper, tearing new holes,
like i deserve it. maybe i do. maybe
it’s all my fault, some stupid slip-up
i can’t even pinpoint.

i claw at the night, trying to fix the unfixable,
failing spectacularly, drowning in this
quagmire of “what ifs” and “could’ve beens,”
dragging my sorry ass through a storm of doubt.
it feels like my chest is collapsing in slow motion,
and my goddamn thoughts won’t get off my back.

perfection

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

perfection #

he was just a kid, fumbling his way through the fog,
grasping at things that never felt solid,
clinging to the cool kids like they held
some unspoken secret to being enough.
he lit his first cigarette, shaking,
coughed like hell but kept going,
because that’s what you did,
you burned yourself to belong.

there was a girl.
of course, there was a girl.
she didn’t care, not really,
but he chased her like she was oxygen.
and behind it all, quiet and waiting,
there was another,
the one who saw him,
really saw him,
but fuck that, right?
she wasn’t the kind of love
you wanted when you were trying to prove
you were worth something.

poem

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Poem (i was drunk) #

ma out
pa out
there was a botle
CHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUGCHUG
lIkE a BeAsT
liquid courage? na liquid CHAOSSSS BABYYYYYY
burming throat, warm fire in my chest,
eyes 50$ off, half-seeing the room spim,
and there’s something prettyy about losing control
but also pathetic.
like i
pathetic but freeing.
iM a LiBeRaToRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRr
what does it say about me
mEh

ooooo
tree.
biiig tree
sprawlimg
maybe its drunk to
branches clawing at the sky
it’s asking
begging
im begging
begging youuu
or maybe just tired
eh
OOOO
CLOUDS
PAST THE TREES
you forget that.
i forgot that.
everyone forget that.
poor clouds.
but they float past da branches,
white smears in the sky like spilled milk,
and there’s
pretty in that.

Quiet Collapse

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

Quiet Collapse #

i laugh,
i smile,
and it’s all a lie.
the mask stretches across my face like it always does,
habit, muscle memory.
but underneath, i feel cracks forming,
quiet, subtle, breaking apart,
like i’m shattering from the inside
and nobody sees it.
i express everything,
and none of it belongs to me.
happy, sad, angry,
whatever’s needed at the time.
it’s like wearing someone else’s skin,
a puppet show,
and i’m not the one pulling the strings.
i just give the commands,
“be cheerful,”
and my body plays along,
“be sad,”
and suddenly everything freezes over.
but i feel exhausted,
even after eight hours, ten hours,
hell, even after sleeping the whole day.
i wake up feeling like i’ve run a marathon
but haven’t moved an inch.
my bones are tired,
my mind’s a mess,
and i can’t tell why.
i want to talk to someone,
but how do you even start that conversation?
“hey, i’m drowning, but don’t worry, i’ll manage”?
yeah, right.
nobody’s got time for that.
everyone’s caught up in their own mess, their own lives.
and really, who am i to throw my shit on top of theirs?
i’ll just make things worse
i’m a tree falling in a forest full of trees,
and even if i crash to the ground,
who’s going to notice?
who gives a fuck?
i don’t know if i matter anymore.
maybe i never did.
it’s been forever since i’ve heard something good,
something that even resembles appreciation.
it’s like i’ve been erased,
scratched off the list of people who matter.
maybe that’s fair.
i mean, what have i ever really done for anyone?
nothing.
i’m just… here.
taking up space, without anything to offer.
worthless.
there used to be walls,
tall, solid ones,
but now they’re crumbling.
slowly, piece by piece,
falling apart right in front of me,
and i can’t even move to stop it.
i cry, over nothing.
i get so mad at the tiniest thing.
i’m losing my grip,
on myself,
on what’s real.
even my friends don’t feel like friends sometimes,
more like people i used to know.
i push them away,
but i don’t even know why.
and the weird thing is,
i’m never really alone.
i’m always around people,
talking, hanging out,
yet there’s this wall, this invisible fucking wall
separating me from everyone else.
even the ones i care about.
i can see them,
they can see me,
but we’re not in the same place.
i’m sinking,
dissolving into something dark,
something endless.
and i have no idea when the falling stops,
or if i even care enough to stop it.

quiet people

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

quiet people #

quiet people.
the ones who glow for a fleeting second
when they speak of the things that set their hearts alight,
only to dim again
when they realize no one’s listening.

laughed at
for wandering too far into their own heads,
mocked for that rare, bright moment
when something familiar lights a fire in their eyes.

told to shut up,
their excitement too loud,
their voice too much,
their interests, a burden.

row your boat

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

row row row your boat~ #

row row row your boat~
row, row, row your boat,
and drift into the tide~
for i’m a storm without a calm,
a path no stars would guide~

row, row, row your boat,
don’t let your gaze retreat~
for if you turn, you’ll see me there,
a shadow at your feet~

row, row, row your boat,
escape the weight i bear~
a body soft, a heart too loud,
a burden none could share~

something i probably wont tell her

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

we didn’t talk much for like… months it felt although it was probably less than that i… hated a lot more things about it i hated the fact that you replied dryly to my texts i hated the fact that i seemed the only one interested in talking while you didn’t seem to care at all i hated the fact that you took so long to reply

“are we still friends like we used to be” this was supposed to be my question i don’t know how much you wondered this, but from purely my perspective i wondered about this a lot sometimes entire days most nights i would go to bed imagining if we’re gonna grow distant now that our time was only till 12th

student

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

student #

being a student can feel like a drag
the homework, the stress, it piles up,
but maybe it’s not so bad
when you think of all the naps waiting for you
in between the madness.

the late nights, the early mornings,
the too little sleep,
sometimes, it’s easier to laugh at it all,
scroll through a few memes
and forget how tired you really are.

you try to workout,
but your body feels weak.
maybe pizza and ice cream
are the reward you need
just for making it through the day.

today

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

today #

in the haze of weary thoughts,
i sit, unable to speak,
the words stuck somewhere deep inside.
school started again today,
dragging me back under,
a flood of feelings i can’t even begin to name.

exams, they’re over now,
but it still feels like hell,
like something heavy’s stuck to me,
weighing me down just the same.

i saw my friends,
but she wasn’t there.
said she had something else to do,
but it left the day feeling emptier.
gray.

whispers

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

whispers #

with a heavy heart dragging my feet,
i roamed the city at midnight, chasing shadows.
the park stretched ahead, an abyss of quiet,
music in my ears, but no song could save me.

then i saw him, this boy, this strange man,
hair like spilled ink, brown eyes hiding storms.
he whistled, casual as hell, each step a note,
and somehow, he was steady where i was breaking.

whoami

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

whoami #

sometimes, i feel there’s someone nearby
not someone bad, but someone dear
a quiet presence, always watching
not with judgment, but with gentle care

i think they know my thoughts
and so i try,
i try to act better,
to be someone worth their gaze.
i keep hoping they’ll approve
of this version of me i present.

years slip by, unnoticed
and still i wonder,
“who am i?”
who was i before i started this act?

whoami^2

Sat, 01 Jan 0000 22:20:09 +0530

whoami^2 #

through days that blur into months and years, i keep asking myself, who the fuck am i? this mask i wear clings like second skin, but beneath it, there’s nothing i can name, just echoes of someone i maybe used to be. am i cruel at my core, some quiet, scheming bastard? or am i just a soft-hearted fool getting dragged through the dirt by a world that doesn’t care? whoever i was, whatever i was, it’s long gone, buried deep, like a body no one bothered to mourn. some call me a friend, an easy smile, a safe space for them to talk about things. others see nothing but chaos, a walking mess they’d rather avoid. and then there are those who swear i’m poison in human form, a venomous thing wrapped in polite small talk. so i sit here, peeling away at myself, layer by miserable layer, only to find more nothing underneath. the truth feels like some cruel joke, always just out of reach, a ghost i’m too tired to chase anymore. when night falls, it only gets worse, the stars are just cold, distant pricks of light, useless, mocking, while the questions grow louder in my head. what if there’s no “me” to uncover? what if i’ve always been this blank space, filled with other people’s projections and my own half-hearted attempts at identity? maybe one day i’ll have the guts to rip it all off, every mask, every lie, and stand there bare, whatever that means. but maybe it’s easier to keep hiding, to let the masks do the work, until there’s nothing left of me to care.